Death Ends Their Presence, But It Doesn't End the Relationship

The title of this blog comes from Dr. Alan Wolfelt. I have heard him make this statement many times.

At first, I couldn't understand what it meant. With time, I have a much better appreciation for the truth in it.

While our loved one's physical presence has ended, we still have a relationship with them. In some ways, it is only through our memories. In other ways, it is still alive and growing as we incorporate their values and meaning into everyday life. 

Maybe it will help if I share some illustrations. 

• Celebrate their life. My wife, Dianne, died during COVID. Guidelines prevented us as a family from having a very large gathering. In fact, we only could include 20-25 people which was our immediate family. When those guidelines were lifted, we planned a lovely memorial service for her. It was fourteen months later. We didn't care. She deserved it. We wanted it. In so many ways it was a beautiful tribute to who Dianne was as a person and it helped us feel her presence. 
• Celebrate special occasions. We do birthdays and anniversaries and any other special occasion that reflects Dianne's interests and likes. We don't make a big deal out of it, but it allows us to open up a memory and feel the essence of who she was and continues to be to us. 
• Make a pillow or quilt out of your loved one’s clothing or belongings. A friend gave me a present. She took one of Dianne's dresses that Dianne had given to her and made it into a stuffed bear. That bear rests on my nightstand. Not as a shrine but as a reminder. 
• Talk to them as if they were still with you. You can speak out loud, in your mind, or in your heart. You can tell them about your day, ask for their advice, or thank them for their love. You can also look for signs that they are listening or responding, such as a song on the radio, a feather on the ground, or a dream. Call it fiction. Call it imagination. It doesn't bother me to say, "I talk to her all the time." If it gives you peace, do it. And no, you are not losing your mind. 
• Write letters or record messages for your loved one. You can express your feelings, share your memories, or ask for their guidance. You can keep these letters or messages for yourself, or share them with others who knew them.
• Donate to your loved one’s favorite charity. Dianne was a retired teacher. She loved children. As a family, we found a way to honor her. We provide books and resources for children who experience loss during the school year. This isn't about us or what we do, it is about children who lose someone they love having resources that can help them process the pain. 
• Create a memorial for your loved one. Dianne loved Christmas. It was her favorite time of year. She loved ornaments and decorations. She loved cute clothes. I put up a small Christmas tree in the den with some colorful ornaments, her favorite nativity set, and her purple tennis shoes underneath it. 
• Live the best life you can in honor of your loved one. You can pursue your goals, follow your dreams, and make the most of every day. You can also try to be kind, compassionate, and grateful for what you have. You can remember that your loved one would want you to be happy and fulfilled.

These are just some of the ways to keep your loved one with you even after they die. There is no right or wrong way to grieve or remember someone you love. The most important thing is to do what feels right for you and honors your relationship with them.

I hope this helps you find some peace and comfort. If you need more support or information, please let me know. I’m here to listen and help as much as I can.