Five Reasons Grief Is a Lonely Journey

Grief is a lonely journey. Ask anyone who has lost a loved one and loneliness will show up as one of the biggest challenges. The absence. The quiet. The emptiness. 

There are many reasons for the loneliness. Each one unique to the person. If you talk to three different people, you might get a dozen responses.

So, I am choosing five that speak to me and have been the ones I have encountered most often. 

1. Your person is missing. The key word is missing! Gone. Not there. Can't see them. Can't talk to them. On so many levels. Physical. Emotional. Mental. Spiritual. Relational. Hopes. Dreams Future. Past. Their presence and personality. You want to talk to them and tell them what is happening but you can't. You want their advice. You want to hold them. So, how does this make you lonely. No one else had the relationship with your person that you did? No one! No one remembers the first Christmas, or first house, or the time you drove all night, or the time you bought her a crock pot for Mother's Day but she didn't want a gift that had an electrical cord!
2. You don't miss them one time. You miss them all the time. The day they died is burned into your heart. But so are all birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, vacations, and special moments. Like baseball games, basketball games, volleyball games, cheer competition, and the list could go on forever. Grief isn't a one time event but an ongoing experience. How does this make you lonely? We put emphasis on a date on the calendar when reality teaches us that the event is not over. It continues. Long after the visits, cards, and calls have stopped! 
3. Life goes on but your heart is anchored to the past. On the day after your person died,  grocery stores opened, restaurants served food, and traffic lights kept changing colors. People woke up, ate breakfast, read the news, and continued their activities. A major life event had rocked you. Didn't the whole world realize that something had happened? It felt wrong. Your heart was broken yet life went on!
4. Only you can deal with your pain. This isn't a test that anyone else can take for you. No one can take your driver's exam, or Algebra quiz, or writing assignment. Only you know where you hurt, how much you hurt, and how well you are handling the pressure. It is a lonely feeling to know you are the only one who can work through your hurt. Friends can support. Family can encourage. But only you can turn toward the pain and pay attention to it!
5. Your heart can heal but you will never forget your person.  Healing isn't the same as forgetting. One of our great fears is that people will forget the person we loved. They will forget their beauty, strength, courage, smile, laughter, faith, hope, and love. So, we don't want to heal. When we hurt, our person comes close again. They sit with us at the dinner table or on the sofa watching television. 

The more attention we pay to the loss, the more layers we discover and explore. Loneliness isn't a bad thing if we notice it. We can learn what we have lost and feel even more love and devotion to the person we miss. We can ask for help from family or friends. We can get out of our comfort zone and do the uncomfortable. We can be intentional in participating in social events and gatherings. 

Loneliness can become an excuse or it can become an opportunity. I don't mean to reduce it to a few words and make it sound easy. It is not! 

Pay attention. Notice. Ask questions of the loneliness. I believe it is possible to grow through loneliness to embrace the depth of loss and the joy of new relationships at the same time. Not quickly. Not instantly.