If We Are Going to Talk about Grief, Let's Be Honest!

Often when we talk about grief, we choose softer or more gentle words to describe it. Like, "It's tough." Or, "I will survive."  Or, "I'm okay."

Why? 

Well, there are many reasons. Here are a few:

If we spoke the truth, it would scare us and everybody around us. And honestly we don't want to face reality. Our loved one is gone and will never come back. 

If we face reality, then we are going to feel pain. And we (and our culture included) will do anything to avoid pain. Any kind. Emotional. Mental. Physical. Spiritual. Relational. We don't like to hurt. 

If we lose, we have to let go. It is the age old truth, "to find life we have to lose." And when we lose, we let go. Of the people we love. Our past. Our memories. Our future. Our dreams. 

If we let go, we become vulnerable. There is a thin place in us. Our armor has a crack in it. We are not strong. We don't have the answer. We don't know the way. Life gets to us and we don't know what to do about it.

If we are vulnerable, we may need help. No one likes to be needy, or dependent, or helpless, or lost, or alone.

And yet, here we are.

Facing the truth.

Dealing with reality.

With a broken heart. 

Losing someone or something we love. 

Vulnerable in every part of our being. 

Needing help and support. 

All alone.

If we talk about grief, let's be honest. It is as tough as you can imagine.

It is relentless. Every day. Every week. Every month. Every year.

It will never end. 

All of thee words combined sound like the perfect recipe to plea for sympathy or to develop a victim mindset. I suggest that people in grief DO NOT WANT PITY, SYMPATHY, OR ANYONE TO FEEL SORRY FOR THEM! Not at all. 

Neither do they want to be fixed, advised, told what to do, given a cliché, or platitude. 

So, what do they want???

Someone to stand with them in their truth, in their reality, in their loss, in their brokenness, in their vulnerability, and in their future. 

A person in grief will integrate the loss into their life. The rough edges of pain will soften. The relationship of presence with the person you loved will evolve into one of memory. A new normal will emerge out of the broken pieces. It will be different. It will be beautiful. It will be painful. 

Life will never be the same. But we will grow in ways we couldn't have imagined! 

If we do the hard work of allowing grief to teach us the deeper lessons of life, we can become a better version of ourselves!