Mourn Well-Live Well

I first heard the words, "Mourn Well-Live Well," in a workshop led by Dr. Alan Wolfelt (https://www.centerforloss.com/). They certainly caught my attention. I had not made the connection between mourning and living. In some ways, I felt like my life was over. Not completely because I have a beautiful, supportive, and caring family. I will always tell you they are the very best. Let's just say I was lost. 

For me, I was about nine months into my grief journey after losing Dianne, my wife. I was in new territory; a wilderness of sorts. No map. No gps. Just lost, lonely, overwhelmed, confused, and uncertain. This is not a surprising place to be when you lose a loved one. All I could see and feel were impossibilities; not possibilities. 

At that point in time, I didn't see happy or joy on my map to anywhere. For my family yes. Not so much for me personally! The pain was too deep and too wide and too high to overcome. 

In the workshop, something clicked. 

We spent time digging down into three words. You know them. I know them. However, I had not really visited with them to better understand what they mean, and more importantly, how they were impacting my life. 

Grief. The internal reaction we have to loss. The bigger the loss  can mean bigger grief. Though this is quite personal for each person. My take on it is that grieving is the fuzz ball of mental, physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual reactions to the loss. Can be negative. Can be positive. Lots of internal energy with no where to go. Picture = pressure cooker!

Mourning. I had heard of it. Like you, I knew it. I had not explored what it really meant. For me, it is when we give grief space and a path for movement. The internal energy finds a way to the surface. It is expressed through tears, writing, sharing memories, getting outside, and lots of other ways. 

Live.  No brainer here. Or, is it? To live, means what? The first half of life has been growing, achieving, and sharing. Suddenly, the one who had helped me become the person I am was no longer there. Now, living meant something new. To do the work. Face the darkness. Listen to the loneliness. Pause, Reflect. Listen. 

Losing my spouse, took me to a different place. One where there is pain, loss, and grief. Cancer strikes and you can't always beat it. And there isn't a backup plan. 

This is where my thoughts in the workshop made a shift. 

To grieve well, you face the reality of loss. You walk into it rather then try to get over it, deal with it, or go on with life.

To mourn well, you look for intentional ways of expressing the emotions, thoughts, and struggle. 

To live well, you learn to live in the tension of joy and sadness, hurt and healing, and smiles and tears. 

If we learn to mourn well, we can go on to live well. 

If we don't learn to mourn well, we can get stuck and stay in the wilderness of loss, confusion, and chaos. 

I am Randy Gregg-Grief Companion. Give me a call!