Why Does Grief Hurt so Much?

When I lost Dianne, my wife, I wish there had a been a tour guide of sorts. Someone who would have been there to say, "You can expect to feel this, or see that, or you better watch out for this thing over here!"

In reality, I wouldn't have listened. Not because I didn't care or want to know as much as we seldom learn things ahead of time. Maybe, I should say, "I couldn't listen yet." I wasn't ready.

We don't know what it is like to take our car through a car wash until we are sitting in the car and can feel the full effect of being there. Nothing really prepares us for the experience of grief. I don't think that anything can. 

Now, that we are here and we have spent some time with it, let's explore. Sort of walk around and notice the landscape of this new place of doing life without our person. 

Grief is a natural and universal response to loss. Like breathing or sneezing or swallowing. While those natural physical reactions are easy to understand, they don't involve loss. And that is one of the ways that grief hurts. It can be one of the most painful and challenging experiences in life. 

And grief is complex. It affects our physical, emotional, mental, social, and spiritual well-being. Every part of who we are is impacted. Every layer of life is touched.

The intensity of grief can be influenced by many factors. Such as the nature and significance of the loss. Losing a child or grandchild is traumatic. Their death is out of sequence. Parents or grandchildren die first. At least that's the expectation. Our attachment to the person or thing we lost. Our personality. Our coping style. Our cultural and religious background. The support we receive, or don't receive.

Then there is the emotional roller coaster. Grief can trigger a range of emotions, such as sadness, anger, guilt, fear, anxiety, loneliness, and despair. These can overwhelm us.

Grief can disrupt our sense of identity, security, and purpose in life. These can cause us to question our beliefs and values. It shake us to the core. 

Grief can affect our relationships with others. They may be hesitant and withdraw. We may feel isolated, misunderstood, or unsupported by those were once close to.

Grief can disrupt our daily routine. Sleep, appetite, energy, concentration, memory, and motivation may be inconsistent at best.

Grief can cause physical symptoms as well like headaches, chest pain, muscle tension, nausea, fatigue, and illness. Getting out of bed and facing the needs of the day may take a lot of energy.

Grief can increase our risk of developing mental health problems, such as depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and substance abuse. It doesn't mean that we will develop any of these but it does mean we are more vulnerable. 

Grief can last longer than we expect or want. Honestly, it will last for the rest of our lives. Like ocean waves, there may be a high tide and a low tide. It can resurface or intensify at any time, especially during anniversaries, holidays, or other reminders of the loss.

Grief can vary from person to person and from loss to loss, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve or cope with it. Each person will have their own style and way of processing the emotions. 

Grief hurts so much because it is a reflection of how much we loved and cared for what we lost.

However, grief can also be a source of growth and transformation if we allow ourselves to express it, process it, and seek help when needed.

Grief is not something we have to go through alone. There are many resources and people who can support us on our journey of healing.